There will always be that first true love. The one that never really worked out but you kept your hopes up too much. The one who got away. The one who taught you all you need to know about love. And the one that until now, is still the one you look back to whenever you try to love again.
We all have that kind of love in our lives. We all fall in love with the right or wrong person. No matter how much you try yourself to stop loving them, you always end up falling madly in love with them. Mine.. it was for me love. I kept my hopes up too much not realizing I was the only one falling.. He chose to leave me. To save the friendship he had with his childhood friend. I wasn't worth fighting for.
A couple of days ago, I had the answers I longed to hear from him, it was just
8 years late. Yes, 8 long years. The day he left, I never cried. Never shed a single tear. I comforted myself that there are still many fishes in the sea. Years has passed and never really had the chance to bump into him anywhere in the city not until the past dreadful week I had when the past that I've been running away from has kept up with me. When my friend and I came into terms that LD and I had to talk, I had mixed emotions. I don't know why but I felt happy. Being able to see him again.. after how many long years.. I don't know.. So there I was sitting next to him. He said he was
sorry. His reason was.. if keeping in touch with me means losing the friendship he has with his childhood friend, he'd rather lose everything then. OUCH. That effin' hurts. But I was glad I was able to handle my reactions. I smiled. Pretended it was okay. I assumed I was happy and didn't care. So after our talk, we had some chitchats. He talked about his girlfriend, about how his gf liked him first. My mind kept on screaming "Why can't it be me? Why didn't you fight for me? Was I not worth it? Can't you at least say you miss me?" But no.. I can't. Keeping up with the happy face I pretended to have has been killing me, my heart most of all. While he was talking my mind was wandering about how much I missed him. His hair. His voice. The way he clothe himself. How neat he is.
I miss everything about him. If only there's a single, minute chance that someday both of us will end up together then maybe the pain will all be worth it. But it's not. I am the only one in pain which is so unfair. He doesn't even seem to care. Why, of all people do I have to fall in love with you? WHY? I cried my heart out that night. I promised myself not to cry anymore after that formidable day. My heart just sank and I don't know what to do but to cry and cry. I needed a good cry.
I miss you LD. I miss you so much. I want to hate you but no matter how much I try hating you I just can't. Stupid love.
